Fox, Roy, Yoshi 6: Rise of the Dairy Products
by Kal Ancalas
Summary: After a long hiatus, Kal is back with his greatest humor story yet. Is a continuation of Fox's Eating Habits and The Weird Exploits of Falco, Marth, and Bowser as well. OMG! FINALLY, AFTER THREE LONG MONTHS, COMPLETED!
1. Chapter 1

_**Rise of the Dairy Products: A CONTINUATION OF THREE TALES**_

By Kal Takane Veras

Author's Note: Up here in New Jersey, it's snowing huge snowflakes and my hands are numb. I have come out of hiatus briefly to write this epic. It will be updated only on weekends, because I'm not allowed to use the computer on school days. (Note: I may sometimes post on Thursday or Friday if you're really lucky.)

If you don't understand the title (or if you have no common sense), this is A CONTINUATION OF THREE TALES. You heard me correctly. **In other words, this is Fox's Eating Habits Part II, Fox, Roy, Yoshi 6, and The Weird Exploits of Falco, Marth, and Bowser rolled into one**. I will finish Part II and The Weird Exploits in this story. This is uber-important. I shall say it again. **_I will finish Part II and The Weird Exploits in this story._** This is why after this story is completed, I will launch Part III (yes, Fox's Eating Habits will become a trilogy) and continue the F.R.Y. series with Part 7. All right? If you are complaining that I am not releasing Fox's Eating Habits, Fox, Roy, Yoshi 6, or The Weird Exploits, you need to be shot. That is all.

If you are wondering what the basis for this epic is, it is based off a one-liner in Fox, Roy, Yoshi 5. Read it through carefully…There are also references to Yoshi 007, Fox's Eating Habits I, and Fox, Roy, Yoshi 1 through 5 in here. Try to spot them all.

This is my MAIN project from now on until this is finished. Yoshi 007 will NOT, I repeat, NOT be updated until this is finished. I do have a plot, honest, but it is not ready for development yet. Please stand by.

Thank you for reviewing my stories and tolerating my spleen. Please enjoy the rest of the story.

Kal Takane Veras

-----

"**You. What has happened to Emperor Brocolinus?" **

"**He is dead, sir. He was vaporized by a cloud of corrosive gas."**

"**I see. This is a setback, but a minor one. Where is M. Weed?"**

"**He is at our target location, sir."**

"**Excellent. Then, Project Dairy will begin…now."**

(silence)

"**I said, Project Dairy will begin…now!"**

(silence)

"**Weed, you fool! Turn on the Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq Transformer!"**

(insert loud sound effects and ominous flash of lightning here)

-----

Fox, Roy, and Yoshi were sitting around a table enjoying a broccoli pie.

"Hey, Fox…" Falco sidled up to them. "Can I borrow some money? Like, say, 10002 dollars?"

"No, I don't think so." Fox said pleasantly, chewing on some pie. "Remember what happened the last time I lent you money?"

(Flashback)

"Fox, I got a brand-new nitroglycerin powered spaceship!" Falco yelled.

"You mean the one that just exploded in a huge mushroom cloud on the front lawn?"

"Oh, CRAP…"

(End Flashback)

"How was I supposed to know nitroglycerin explodes from prolonged exposure to sunlight?" Falco yelled.

"Whatever. The point is, I'm never lending money to you again. Go away." Fox made a rude hand gesture at Falco.

"You son of a-!" Falco stalked away, muttering in a low tone.

"Jerk." Fox continued to devour his pie.

"Hey." G&W walked up to them. "Ooh, pie!" He took a slice and ate it in one chomp.

"Whoa." Yoshi stared.

"Anyway," G&W started, "I'm saving for an Ultimate Pocket Entertainment System. Can I borrow 10000 dollars?"

"Sure." Fox said. He yanked a large roll of bills out of his pocket. "Keep the change."

"Thanks…I think." G&W said as he walked away.

"You lent money to G&W, and not to your best friend?" Roy asked incredulously.

"Falco's not very competent with finances." said Fox primly.

"True." Yoshi said.

The three of them ate in silence for a while.

-----

"**The Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq Transformer is performing at peak capacity." **

"**Excellent. The broccoli conquest may have failed, but I am certain this new conquest will succeed! MUHAHAHAHA!"**

"**Sir, I finished your pajamas, but I couldn't get that juice stain out."**

(odd silence)

"**Shut up, you!" **

-----

"So, Fox, got any ideas for today?"

"I…need…cheese." Fox said in a zombie-like voice.

Roy and Yoshi looked at each other.

(Flashback)

"I…need…nuclear…bombs." Fox said in a zombie-like voice.

"Hey, you don't sound like Fox." Roy said, kicking Fox between the legs.

"I…need…nuclear…bombs." Fox said.

Roy gaped. "Fine, have it your way." He stabbed Fox, who exploded.

"Huh?" Roy asked. Just then, the real Fox emerged from the door, carrying a huge sack of chips and dip.

"What the-" Fox read the charred inscription on the robot shell. "Property of Al-Qaeda-hmm…I see."

"Terrorists have fallen to such low levels." said Roy, shaking his head.

(End Flashback)

"What can a terrorist robot do with cheese?" Yoshi asked.

"No idea, let's get some." Roy said.

Roy found a dish of cream cheese in the fridge and gave it to Fox. Suddenly, the cream cheese mutated into a slime-like thing.

"Must…obey…M. Weed…" the cream cheese said in a robotic voice.

"Okay, I know something's wrong." Roy said. He cut off Fox's head and read the metallic words inside: "Property of Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu- Return if found."

"What's going on?" Fox said, emerging from a nearby door and lugging a sack of chips and dip.

Roy and Yoshi looked at the cream cheese, then at Fox.

"On second thought, I don't want to know." Fox said.

-----

"Hmm. This cream cheese appears to be responding to radioactive energy." Fox said, examining it.

"What kind of energy?" Yoshi asked.

"Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq energy, I guess." Roy said conversationally.

Fox and Yoshi stared at him.

"Umm…Just some science classes." Roy said, blushing.

-----

"**Sir, the Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq Transformer is currently controlling all dairy products in the Smash Mansion. Soon, we shall rule the world!"**

"**Good job, Weed."**

**-----**

"Lalala." Bowser sang. "Just want a nice glass of milk…" He poured out some milk.

"HEY, YOU! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT DRINKING ME!" the milk yelled.

Bowser glanced at his milk.

(Flashback)

"Sir…I found the chocolate milk you wanted. Unfortunately, it's 78 years past its expiration date, and it was stored improperly…so I doubt you'd want it."

Bowser opened the milk carton and sniffed its rancid fumes. "Still good." He poured it down his throat while his butler wretched.

(End Flashback)

"Still good." Bowser said. He downed the glass in one gulp.

"Bowser! You are supposed to be helping us make money for our Ultimate Pocket Entertainment System, not drinking talking milk!" Marth sauntered over. "Now, I just found us a job at this clothing store. Get up, Falco's already there."

"Aww…" Bowser moaned.

-----

"Ok…The cream cheese is possessed. What else is new?" Yoshi asked satirically.

"The milk's also possessed." Fox said. "I checked this morning. The yogurt's possessed too."

"Wow…Is it just me, or are all the dairy products being controlled by some nether-being bent on world domination?" Roy asked.

"Most likely." Fox said, now examining a lump of Swiss cheese.

"And don't tell me we have to eat and drink all that crap again-you know what happened last time." Yoshi said with a flick of his tail.

"It ended well, though." Roy said. "You killed Emperor Brocolinus."

"True…but I wanted to kill him with an AK-47 or a light saber, not a fart." Yoshi whined.

-----

"Welcome to A Random Clothing Store, sir." Bowser said. "May I help you?"

"Get a breath mint, dude! You smell like burned sh-"

"As I was saying," Bowser continued in a dangerously low voice, "may I help you?"

"Um…sure…I just remembered I have an appointment with my orthodontist…" The man ran away screaming holy hell.

"That's the eighth customer you've scared away, Bowser." Marth said dryly.

"It's not my fault if I smell like burned-"

"Look at this!" Falco said, holding out a wad of money.

Bowser jumped back and swore as though he'd been burnt, and Marth gaped.

"Where did you get that?" Marth asked suspiciously.

"Oh, some lady left her purse in the dressing room and I found it while I was cleaning up."

"Now that I think of it," Bowser said slowly, "you weren't assigned to clean up the dressing room…"

Falco blushed. "Yeah, yeah, so what? We have money!"

"Great!" Marth brightened. "We can quit our job now!"

-----

"Ok! I have found a solution!" Fox said. "It is simple. We must destroy the machine that is emitting Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq waves and stop the dairy products from taking over the planet!"

"Simple, yeah right." Roy snorted.

"I would assume that it has to be somewhere in this mansion, because only dairy products in the mansion are becoming satanically insane." Yoshi said.

"True." Fox said. "I think that-"

"**You think nothing!" **a voice boomed out.

"Dude, get rid of that microphone. It's just plain annoying." Fox growled.

"Fine, fine…My name is M. Weed, and I am a disciple of the great and holy Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu, and my mission is to ensure that the Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq Transformer remains intact! So you shall not stop me!"

"What does the M stand for?" Roy asked.

M. Weed blushed. "You don't want to know."

"Okay, let's get him and torture him till he talks!" Yoshi said, pulling out a katana.

"Ha! I have learned all my combat skills from the great IamtehbestandIpwnu! You shall not-"

(1.89 nanoseconds later

"Talk!" Yoshi said, pointing his katana at Weed's throat.

"I'll never tell!" Weed spat defiantly at Yoshi's feet.

"Fine." Yoshi sheathed his katana.

"Are you going to kill me?" Weed growled.

"No." Yoshi said. He dragged out a DVD player.

"You expect me to talk by watching movies?" Weed laughed.

"Not just any movie." Yoshi took a DVD disc out of a slot in the wall and popped it in.

"**_I love you, you love me…"_**

The veins in Weed's neck bulged. "No! No! Anything but this!"

"Talk." Yoshi said.

"Okay! The transformer is located inside the basement of this mansion!"

"Confirmed." Yoshi said, drawing out his katana. "Roy, you drag him along with us."

"Since when has Yoshi been this…un-Yoshi-like?" Fox whispered to Roy.

"I dunno."

-----

"Here!" Weed pointed at a glowing blue contraption.

"Thank you very much." Yoshi said coolly. He stabbed at the machine with his katana, but it glanced off an invisible barrier.

"What the-" He tried again, to no avail.

"You fool! This machine is protected by the energy matrix of 60 power crystals, which I have cleverly hidden in this mansion! And I will never tell you, even if you show me that vile movie!"

"Hey, look." Fox opened a closet to find it full of 60 glowing crystals.

"Crap." Weed said.

"This was over very quickly." Roy said.

Yoshi took all the power crystals and shattered them. Then he raised the transformer and smashed it against the ground.

"We have saved the world!" Fox cheered. "…Again, that is."

Weed swore, then rushed out of the basement.

-----

"Booyah!" Bowser cheered. "10000 dollars!"

"I wonder why people would keep so much cash in their purse?" Marth asked.

"No idea, but let's hurry before the store closes." Falco said.

-----

"**Weed, you have failed me. I shall be sure to demote you."**

"**It wasn't my fault, sir! They tortured me-"**

"**With Barney?"**

Weed blushed a shade of crimson.

"**I knew it, you worthless scum. Take steps to ensure that this never happens again."**

"**Yes, sir."**

**"Arm the Ultimate Destruction Beam of Unholy Death and fire it at the Smash Mansion, as a memento of your failure."**

"**Yes, sir."**

-----

"All right!" Falco cheered as they neared the store. "You want black, blue, or red?"

"Red would be nice." Bowser said.

"Nonsense!" Marth arrogantly said. "We must obtain the blue model!"

"Look, guys, I found the cash, and I say black."

"Blue!"

"Red!"

"Black!"

"Blue!"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"Both of you, shut up!"

"You son of a-"

-----

"I must arm this laser!" M. Weed said. He adjusted a few knobs, pulled a few levers, and pushed a button.

"Excellent." Weed said once the deed was done. "Now, to…uh, oh, wrong coordinates."

-----

"Look, fools, I say black!" Falco said, drawing his pistol.

"You ninny! You could aim at the ground and miss!" Bowser laughed.

"All right, you-"

Suddenly, a beam of ultimate destructive unholy death shot out from the sky, and shot right under Falco's elbow, burning up their wad of cash.

"Oh, the humanity!" Bowser wailed.

"Look what you've done!" Marth howled.

"This wasn't my fault!" Falco bellowed.

They argued and fought until the sun set.

-----

**END OF CHAPTER**

**PREVIEW OF CHAPTER TWO**

"Weed, set up the Doomsday Generator."

"What does it do, sir?"

"…Let's keep this on a need-to-know basis."

"Those fools Fox, Roy, and Yoshi will soon meet their doom!"

"That is so cliché, you fool. Say something like, 'We shall smite Fox, Roy, and Yoshi with all of our unholy might and make sure they never rise again to haunt us!'"

"Sir, that is just-"

Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu glared at Weed.

"We shall smite Fox, Roy, and Yoshi with all of our unholy might and make sure they never rise again to haunt us."

"Much better."

Author's Note: If you don't review, expect no updates for a long, long time. Do not fear, if you review I will write the next chapter ASAP, perhaps tomorrow. (No promises, though.)


	2. Doomsday Generator! '

_**Rise of the Dairy Products: A CONTINUATION OF THREE TALES**_

By Kal Ancalas

Author's Note: Finally, an update! Yes! After getting sick and being dredged with schoolwork and being attacked by mutant evil broccoli pies, I have gathered the strength to write another chapter of this hilarious, nutritious epic. Yay! (Warning: This chapter is somewhat random. And stupid-ish. You have been warned.)

Please review. I cannot stress this enough. Your kind feedback is the inspiration for all of my stories (as well as unhealthy amounts of sugar and caffeine. But mostly your reviews.)

Thanks, and enjoy.

P.S: Just to clear things up: This fic may be a little screwed because I'm ill, I've been drinking way too much Frappuccino, and I've been listening to Gravitation and SR-71 for a VERY long time.

Pwn thee all,

-Kal

-----

_Last time on **Fox, Roy, Yoshi 6: Rise of the Dairy Products…**_

_Our heroes Fox, Roy, and Yoshi were sitting down to a nice broccoli pie when alas! The evil Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu built a diabolic Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq Transformer in an attempt to zombify the dairy products of the world. Oh noes, that would be rather unfortunate, of course!_

Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu sent his trusty cohort, M. Weed, to install the Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq Transformer in the bowels of the Smash Mansion. Fortunately, Fox, Roy, and Yoshi discovered this ruse quickly. But how to stop it?

No need to fear! Using brute strength, cruel extortion, and the songs of a crack-high steroid-busting purple dinosaur, Fox, Roy, and Yoshi easily defeated Weed, destroyed the transformer, and saved the world!

…_Again, that is!_

_In other news, our sadly ignored sub-protagonists, Falco, Marth and Bowser, were once again on the lookout for money so they could purchase a well-needed Ultimate Pocket Entertainment System! (Costs $9999.99, tax included. Buyer pays $2.01 shipping and handling.) While working as employees of A Random Clothing Store, Falco discovered 10 grand in a neglected purse left in the women's dressing room! (Side note: What the hell was he doing in the dressing room in the first place? Perv…) Ehem. Anyway, they were about to buy the toy of their dreams when a misguided M. Weed accidentally vaporized their sweet wad of cash! Oh, the humanity!_

This time, Fox, Roy, and Yoshi face a new threat: The Doomsday Generator! And also, will Falco, Marth, and Bowser play a bigger, yet inadvertent role in the events of Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu's invasion?

…_Probably not. Anyway, just read the story because it's COOL! o!_

…Kal, you imbecile! I need a raise!

_-----_

"Weed, set up the Doomsday Generator."

"What does it do, sir?"

"…Let's keep this on a need-to-know basis."

"Those fools Fox, Roy, and Yoshi will soon meet their doom!"

"That is so cliché, you fool. Say something like, 'We shall smite Fox, Roy, and Yoshi with all of our unholy might and make sure they never rise again to haunt us!'"

"Sir, that is just-"

Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu glared at Weed.

"We shall smite Fox, Roy, and Yoshi with all of our unholy might and make sure they never rise again to haunt us."

"Much better."

With that, Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu sent poor M. Weed off with instructions to assemble the Doomsday Generator.

-----

"Arrgh! Why can't I think of ideas at a time like this?"

We now peep into the author's (Kal) room. The floor is littered with tissues, cough drop wrappers, and empty cans of Starbucks™ Frappuccino. Inside, we see Kal lying on a bed, laptop burning a hole through the bedsheets.

"I'm running out of plot ideas. As usual…(grumblegrumble) MORE FRAPPUCCINO!" He then drains another can in one gulp.

"Now…perhaps to add some randomness to the plot? Yes…that will work. Most definitely."

"…Hey, wait a second! Who put this hidden camera in my closet! Ack!"

-----

Fox, Roy, and Yoshi are sitting around a small, round table feasting on a broccoli pie.

"That M. Weed sure was weird." Fox commented while eating a thin slice of pie. "Not only was he physically and mentally challenged, but he was also incompetent…"

"Yeah." Yoshi said calmly. "Hopefully, we will get to humiliate him again and again."

Roy stared. "Yoshi…Don't you think you're a bit out of character?"

Yoshi shot a stony glare at Roy before saying, "What…do you want me to eat fruit, clap my hands and say "Yoshi" repeatedly? It gets kinda boring after a while, you know…"

"Right…whatever."

-----

"NooOoOoOOO!" Falco's cries blended into the cool air. "We were so close to buying a Ultimate Pocket Entertainment System! And it A-SPLODED!"

"Meh." Bowser growled. "Personally, I would've liked to try the waterbed."

Suddenly, a penny dropped out of the sky and hit Bowser on the head.

"Oh, look, a penny. Only 10199 more to go." Marth said dryly.

Then, a nickel fell out of the sky and hit Bowser on the head, again.

"If this is the author's idea of randomness, it's not funny." Bowser said, rubbing his bruised forehead.

Finally, a broccoli pie fell out of thin air and landed on the ground, splattering Falco, Marth, and Bowser with green gunk.

"Yuck!" Marth frantically brushed broccoli flakes out of his clothes. "Think of all the _detergent, and shampoo, and conditioner it'll take to get this out!" _He then ripped at his hair maniacally, therefore getting more broccoli flakes into his hair (which is not good.)

"Mmm…broccoli." Bowser sighed. (Catch the quick Simpsons reference here)

-----

"How do I set up this hunk of junk?" Weed mumbled frantically. "This crap comes with a set of hard-to-read instructions…I'm no engineer! How the heck am I supposed to do this?"

Weed then relaxed. "Okay, Weed…focus. Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu is counting on you. You can build it. Just follow the steps one by one." Weed then read the first line of instructions.

_1. Unpack package._

"What! This is way too difficult! I want my mommy! WAHHH!"

-----

(Author's Note: A sparse Tales of Symphonia reference here, just wanted to let you know.)

"Say," Fox said, "what do you suppose M. Weed is doing right now?"

"He's probably fiddling with some ridiculously simple instructions assembling the Doomsday Generator." Roy said casually.

Roy and Yoshi gaped.

"Why is it Roy says extremely intelligent things some of the time, but usually just retarded comments?"

"I have no idea."

**Roy obtained the title of "Flaming Moron!"**

"What the heck?"

"Likely this is the result of several improperly stored cans of Frappuccino." the Flaming Moron said casually. "And don't call me Flaming Moron!"

"Yeah…Whatever." Fox said. "I guess we'll need to find Weed now. Right now, he's probably screwed the whole thing over already, but I'm not taking any chances. You with me?"

Yoshi was chewing on pie, and Flaming Moron was murmuring intelligent thoughts.

"Why do I bother? All right, I'll go myself."

-----

"We need to earn money…again." Falco sighed, his feet dragging along the ground. "But we can't find any place where the employers don't treat us like poo-gas. We need a good, steady workplace that offers high pay, benefits, insurance, and reliable pension plans!"

"Yeah, in case you haven't noticed, only college people get those jobs." Marth said dryly. "And I've still got freaking broccoli in my hair!"

"Stop worrying about your hair. It's the least of your worries." Bowser sighed.

"But…but…I have to take care of my beautiful body! I can't live without my makeup and creams!"

**Marth obtained the title of "Narcissist!"**

"NO!" Marth yelled. "I refuse to be referred to as a narcissist throughout this story!"

_Fine, but it'll still show up on your resume and background checks._

"OMgasp! Who's that?" Falco yelled, ruining his pants. (In both ways. Ew.)

_I'm the author, you dolt. And Falco, change your pants._

"Erm…right." Thankfully, at that precise moment, Falco's pants were remade anew so he didn't have to spend the rest of the story with a scarred ego.

"…"

_Yeah. Anyways, gotta go. I'm still working on the Frappuccino._

_-----_

"All right…What should we get?" Fox said, opening the door to the armory.

_"Holy crap!" _Yoshi and the Flaming Moron gasped. "Where did you get this?"

"Look up." Fox smiled. Yoshi and Flaming Moron looked up to see a giant plot hole titled "Yoshi 007 plot hole-DO NOT TOUCH. CONTAINS THE ENTIRE ARMORY FOR THE SOCIETY. CONTAINS BIG NUKES"

"Wow." Yoshi said before taking two plasma rail pistols.

"Yay!" Flaming Moron yelled before throwing away his sword and picking up a lethal-looking reaver.

Fox stared. "Idiot."

**Roy obtained the title of "Idiot!"**

"Yay!" Idiot proclaimed.

Fox sighed. "This is gonna be a long story."

"Right." Yoshi said. "You want a sword or a gun?"

-----

"Do you have any experience?" the boring guy behind the counter asked.

"Nope! But we're ready and willing to learn!" Falco said cheerfully.

"Er…right. Well, there are your uniforms, and I guess you can start right now. Here."

"Yay!" Falco cheered. "I've always wanted a job in a huge office building."

"Falco?"

"Yes?"

"For God's sake, we're janitors! We're only getting $8 an hour!"

"Never fear! We shall ascend the ranks of the corporate ladder and become the presidents of a large, albeit rich and jacked up company!"

"Hey! Get yer ass back to work!"

"Right, right…" Falco carefully scraped debris off the floor.

-----

"When I say three," Yoshi said quietly, "we kick down the door, and rush in. Take no prisoners."

"Right." Fox said.

"BUTTERFLY!" Idiot screamed.

"I think I like Flaming Moron better." Fox whispered.

"Well, call him whatever you want, because WE'RE GOING IN!" (Insert fast action music here)

"AHH! I'm being captured!"

Fox and Yoshi looked up to see Flaming Moron being strangled by a…mop?

"Help! Help! I can't breathe!"

Yoshi cracked the neck of the assassin…er, mop, and said, "Roy, stop screwing around. What happened to your usual intelligence?"

"Emc squared."

"Ah, screw this. We'll let Kal explain this in a plot hole or something."

-----

Hello? Oh, hi! This is Kal. The author. Yay! Well, as Yoshi said, I have to do a bit of explaining. You see, Fox, Roy, and Yoshi are in a broom closet/passage that leads to the basement, and M. Weed is STILL trying to assemble the generator thingy…and Falco, Marth, and Bowser are JANITORS in a huge office building…you still here with me? Alright…you heard it here. Please continue to read.

…I WANT MEH PEPTO-BISMOL!

-----

"Grr! I've got to connect piece A to piece B, link wire C to wire D, etc., etc…" M. Weed griped, poring over something remarkably similar to a model airplane instruction pamphlet, except it was undeniably HARD!

_2. Insert electrical plug into wall outlet and switch on. You're done, genius!_

"Wha…What plug? Which wall outlet? Where's a table of lifelines when you need them?" M. Weed swore, then ground the instructions under his palm (Stupid, really, since that was his only hint)

"Weed! My patience is running thin! Have you assembled the device yet?"

"Uhm…Almost done!"

-----

"Huff, huff…" Bowser moaned, stacking cleaning objects. (Not getting much exercise and all, he struggles at most tasks.) "Almost done!"

"Hey, Bowsie! Can you give me a can of Pine-Sol?" Falco yelled.

"Sure." Bowser said. He tossed a can labeled "Pine-Sol" to Falco. Naturally, the pyramid he'd been so carefully working on for hours toppled. Life stinks sometimes.

"Oh, sh-" Bowser breathed out some fire in frustration.

(UNSCHEDULED SCIENCE LESSON ALERT!)

Some cleaning products contain flammable agents. Thank you very much.

(END UNSCHEDULED SCIENCE LESSON)

The foreman strolled by. "Nice job, Falco! You have masterfully applied Pine-Sol to the floor and made it smell good! I'm giving you a promotion!"

"Yay!"

The foreman then glanced at Bowser, surrounded by a conflagration of flaming cleaning products. "Bowser! For lighting all of our cleaning products on fire, I'm giving you a pay cut! Your salary is now $6 an hour!"

Falco stuck out his tongue.

Bowser sprayed the mountain of fire with a fire extinguisher, muttering snippets of phrases such as "little creep" and "ungrateful (deleted)".

-----

"Who thinks we will save the world in 30 seconds or less?" Fox asked on their way to where M. Weed was assembling (or trying to, at least) the Doomsday Generator.

"30? I'll give you 20." Yoshi scoffed.

"Swords are shiny!" Flaming Moron said.

"Okay, the Flaming Moron thing was funny at first, but now it's stupid."

"Aww…" Roy muttered.

-----

"Finally!" M. Weed cackled. "I have assembled this devilish piece of junk! Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu will be so proud! Maybe I'll get a raise and some free Pokemon plushies!"

"Pokemon plushies!"

"AHAHA!"

"Hey! I have feelings, too!" M. Weed whined. "And who put these stupid cameras here!"

"The Omniscient All-Knowing Narrator."

"Right…" M. Weed made a mental note to decrease his daily caffeine consumption. "Whatever. Now to escape!"

"Swords are shiny!"

"Oh, CRAP…"

"Drop that…erm…whatever you're holding!" Fox barked. "Or else I'll murder this Pikachu plushie in front of you!"

"Oh, come on. I'm not that low."

"Darn." Fox threw the plushie into the depths of the evil basement. "Now what?"

"Let's do what we did last time!" Yoshi unsheathed his katana. "Threaten him with swords!"

"Swords are shiny!" Roy cheered.

Fox, Yoshi and M. Weed stared at Roy in catatonic shock for precisely 2.78 seconds.

"Back to the subject…Do you want to do this the easy or hard way?"

"How about hard?" Weed pulled out a bazooka.

"At least this fight won't be as pathetic." Yoshi readied his katana.

M. Weed vaporized Yoshi's katana with a push of a button.

"OMG! Yoshi was defeated! And so quickly too!" Roy gasped.

"Thanks for your support, moron." Yoshi snarled.

"Sorry, Yoshi! But you know, you could have at least _attempted_ to fight back! I mean, that was so pathetic, how he disarmed you just like that, and…"

Roy did not finish his sentence, for Yoshi leaped onto him.

"EEP! AHH! SOMEONE SAVE ME!" Flaming Moron ran away screaming holy hell.

"Again with the Flaming Moron thing?"

"It adds depth."

"Righ…t."

"Anyways, on with the story! I don't want to interrupt…"

"Okay! You asked for it!" Fox screamed. (Insert a rush of wind and impressive sound FX here)

Fox then revealed his ultimate weapon…

A BROCCOLI PIE!

"What the f-"

"No, no. That's just my afternoon snack." Fox threw the pie behind him. It fell with a splat onto Flaming Moron's head.

Ehem. As I was saying, Fox revealed his ultimate weapon…

THE DONUT BAZOOKA! REJOICE, PEASANTS!

"Yay!" (Guess who said that)

Whatever.

"Fine, then! It shall be a war between our bazookas! Prepare to die!" M. Weed pointed his weapon at Fox and melted the wall behind him.

"Let's see…where is that button? Oh yes! Here!"

"**_I love you, you love me…"_**

****M. Weed began to scream. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(add 99999 more H's here because I don't want to waste space)!"

"I'll turn it off if you blow up the Doomsday Generator." Fox said in a very kind tone.

"Damn…you…" Weed glanced from the self-destruct switch to the evil music coming from the Donut Bazooka's built in MP3 player. If he blew up the generator, he would dishonor himself, but at least he would be free from the ebil clutches of the music! Then again, Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu was counting on him. If he screwed this over…well, then, that would be very very very very very very very bad.

What to do? Beads of sweat began to pour down Weed's face.

"I'm waiting." Fox said as the music blared on.

Weed stared at Fox, and then made his decision.

**To be continued…**

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Okay, I'll be nice. Weed blew up the generator and ran away crying like a wuss, while Fox, Yoshi, and the Flaming Moron celebrated their victory over evil.

**THE END **(of this chapter, at least.)

"WAIT!"

Oh, yes. The second storyline. Well, at last count, Falco was now a MAIL-ROOM CLERK! Oh, JOY! And Bowser and Marth were still dirty janitors at minimum wage! Oh, no! The injustice! The prejudice! The burned sh-

Right, right. Stupid censors…

Anyway, I'm sure you're all tired of meh rambling, so here goes!

"Damn that Falco…He got a frickin' promotion!" Bowser knocked a few items off the shelf in his anger.

"I know." Marth said sullenly.

The two worked in silence for a while.

Suddenly, there was a commotion outside.

"What now?" Bowser asked curiously.

The foreman dragged in a pathetic-looking guy in a cape.

"Who're you?" Bowser grunted.

"I am a disciple of the great Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu! Unfortunately, I failed my latest mission, so IamtehbestandIpwnu has banished me to work in this place until he deems me fit for further work."

"Right. What's your name?"

"M. Weed."

"What does the M stand for?"

"You really don't want to know.

"You're right, I don't. Get started on the floor." Bowser spit on it.

"Yes, sir." Weed obediently set to wiping the floor.

"Ahh. It feels good to boss around someone for a change." Bowser settled back in a chair.

**TO BE CONTINUED**

Author's Note: Enjoyed it? Yes? No? Broccoli pie? Well, review and be happy!

Oh, wait. Writer's block for next chapter. Therefore, I need your help. (chibi face)

The next chapter will be based around one, and one character only. As such, I want your help to decide. Should it be Fox, Yoshi, Flam-er, Roy, Falco, Bowser, Marth, M. Weed, or even a broccoli pie? Please tell me. Otherwise, I'll have to choose RANDOMLY!

(screams of horror)

Yep! Review, plz!

-Kal


	3. Broccoli Pie's Laments

**_Rise of the Dairy Products: A CONTINUATION OF THREE TALES_**

By Kal Ancalas

Author's Note: Meep…This promises to be a most exciting chapter. Sorry for not updating, guys…but I have algebra and AP Languages to keep up with, so yeah…Bleah.

The votes for the previous chapter are counted below. Note that if you voted for more than one character, I will count each vote individually.

Fox: 1

Roy: 2

"Ha, Fox! I am more popular than you!"

"Shut up…"

Yoshi: 1

Yoshi cries.

Falco: 1

"HEY! WHO STOLE MY VOTES!" some not-so-random person yelled.

Marth: 0 (A shocker)

Marth jumped off a cliff. Wait, no, he didn't, but that adds pizzazz.

Bowser: 1

"No comment."

M. Weed: 0

(beep) We are sorry, but M. Weed is not available right now. He is probably doing some evil work for the unholy Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu, or he's taping old Pokemon shows on his VCR. Leave your name and number after the tone, and he will return your call. (beep)

Broccoli Pie: 3

"WHAT!" Fox, Roy, Yoshi, Falco, Marth, Bowser, and M. Weed screamed. "We were beaten by a PLANT!"

"Not just any plant! A baked, crusted, topped with a sprinkling of cinnamon plant!"

"Yeah…Excuse me while I go cry." Yoshi said, sniffling.

-----

Wow! I never expected Broccoli Pie to win…actually, I just put that in as a joke. But, the votes have spoken and thus, Broccoli Pie shall be the focus of this chapter.

Although, a chapter with only one sentence, "AHH! FOX JUST STABBED ME AND HE'S EATING MY INNARDS!" likely wouldn't be too humorous, so I've had to tweak a few things.

First of all, I did plan to make Yoshi and Bowser the focuses, just in case there was a tie. But sheesh…they only received one vote each. So, how to write this? The answer lies in…omniscience.

For this chapter, Broccoli Pie will be the all-knowing omniscient narrator, offering his unique thoughts on each scene. Please, don't tell me you don't want to explore the mind of a broccoli pie. You know you want to. Oh yeah, Broccoli Pie is a bit…sadistic. Yeah. Just to let you know.

However, the next chapter will be narrated by Yoshi and Bowser. Sorry, but nothing you say will make me change this decision. Just remember, it's all part of the storyline.

-Kal Ancalas

-----

Those idiots again…I'm not getting paid enough for this.

Oh, hello. You might be wondering why you, the reader, are being entertained by a broccoli pie. "Have you gone mad?" you might ask. But, no, sadly, I am forced to be your guide.

Apparently, some nut-job who calls himself Kal Ancalas pulled me aside one day and said, "Listen, you have a dedicated fanbase out there. So if you narrate the next chapter of this epic, I'll give you a pay bonus." Naturally, being so naïve, I accepted.

I had no idea what I was in for. But, since you're here, we might as well begin.

Those three always sit at the same table, and eat broccoli pie. You know, those broccoli pies are actually pumpkin pies with green food coloring. No one in their right mind would actually eat a broccoli pie. Anyway, even if there was actual broccoli in it, it would be alive. And evil.

So why am I not evil? Well, that's a different story. Just know this for now.

The first person I shall introduce to you is called "Fox". As the name suggests, he is a fox. Who can speak and act civilized. Actually, scratch the latter. He just likes to shoot and/or eat stuff. However, for entertainment purposes, I shall refer to him as "Psycho Bulimic."

Next, we have "Yoshi." Well, what to say? Out of these three, Yoshi is probably the one with the most sense and self-control. Not only is he calm and collected, but he owns a kick-ass katana. Literally. Man, he doesn't get as much respect as the other sword-guys do. Blah. Yoshi's moniker is "Katana Dinosaur." Wow, that's such a slick name, isn't it?

And last…and least, we have "Roy." Probably the most erratic and idiotic of the trio, Roy can be blazingly smart one second, and dead as a nail the next. Don't ask me why; I didn't make these rules. Anyway, for some reason, he gets all the respect (even though his IQ is equal to that of a brain-dead Chihuahua.) Normally, I'd call him "Flaming Moron," but that is sort of cliché. You know? So, Roy's new name is now "Pretty Woman."

…Haha, just kidding. We'll stick with "Flaming Moron." What do you think?

So, back to the point of this story. Psycho Bulimic, Katana Dinosaur, and Flaming Moron were sitting around a table, eating a pumpkin/broccoli pie. And…yeah. They talked about stuff that I don't want to repeat. You know, Kal dubs those voices. No, really. You don't want to know what they're really saying. Like, for example, when Fox says "We have saved the world!…Again, that is," he's really saying, "Screw this! I want my paycheck now!" Yeah, you get the point.

Is this starting to sound like a documentary? Well, that would be bad. You know, documentaries suck. Like that time I watched a documentary on PBS. I've never needed so much information on black holes.

Anyhoos…I'm sure you're acquainted with Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu. To say what he is planning would be somewhat of a spoiler, see what I mean? And Kal won't let me spoil anything. I will say, though, that his plans DON'T, under any circumstances, involve taking over the world and establishing a corrupt monarchy on this planet. You didn't hear it from us.

And, of course, I must not take care to include his inept disciple, M. Weed. Of course, M. Weed wants nothing more than the respect of his leader. And, a lifetime supply of Pokemon plushies.

Don't ask me why M. Weed hates Barney. Come on, who can resist a methamphetamine-high purple dinosaur? Yeah. You get the point.

So, Psycho Bulimic said, "How long do you think it will be before we save the world again?"

And Katana Dinosaur said, "I dunno…I guess a day or so. M. Weed will probably try again, but…" He tapped on the table with his katana.

"Where'd you get the katana?"

Yoshi didn't answer. And for good reason: Actually, he stole it. Of course. I wouldn't expect anything less.

"That's not the point." Flaming Moron said. "We must defeat M. Weed before he allows Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu to set up a corrupt monarchy on this planet!"

"But I'm hungry…" Psycho Bulimic whined. Duh, he's always hungry.

"I hate to admit this, but Roy is right. We have to find Weed and get him for good!" Katana Dinosaur said.

"Hey, you didn't call me Flaming Moron!" Flaming Moron said happily.

"Don't count on it, sucker." Katana Dinosaur got up and walked away.

This is getting somewhat monotonous…So I'll skip to the second storyline.

-----

All right. I'm sure you're acquainted with our poor heroes, Falco, Marth, and Bowser. Of course, I must give each of them a cynic nickname. Hey, it's just my personality. Live with it.

Falco is, to put it bluntly, a lucky dumbass. Don't get me wrong, Falco usually isn't that lucky. But come on. He got a promotion just for some freaking Pine-Sol. I wish I were that lucky. Then I could get a golden pie tin for my crust. But never mind that. Falco's name is "Temperamental Butthead." Moving on.

Marth is a narcissist. Uh-huh. He applies beauty cream everywhere…even in places he shouldn't. Ugh, disgusting. Sometimes being omniscient isn't such a great thing. And, yeah, he DOES play with Barbies. But no one needs to know that. So for now, I'll call him "Sexy Swordsman." Not that I think of him as sexy. If I want sexy, I'll call up a rhubarb crumble sometime.

And finally, we have Bowser. Sometimes, I think of Bowser as the exact opposite of Falco. Whilst Falco is a lucky dumbass, Bowser is an unlucky genius. I mean, he keeps thinking up diabolical plans to take over the Mushroom Kingdom, wherever that is. Unfortunately, none of them worked, so he's been working a stint as a Smasher. His alias shall be, "Ultimate Mega Evil Destructor of Freaking Doom."

Or, on second thought, perhaps not. We'll refer to him as "Evil Grandma."

Then again, on third thought, perhaps just "Bob" will be fine.

Let's see…We have Psycho Bulimic, Katana Dinosaur, Flaming Moron, Temperamental Butthead, Sexy Swordsman, and Bob. Yeah, I think that sums it up.

So, at last count, I believe that Sexy Swordsman and Bob were still janitors, while Temperamental Butthead was working the mail circuit. Someday, when you're not reading this stupid story, go do something with your life and become a mail clerk. You'll get just enough money to evade high tax rates but enough to go out for beer every day. Wow, what a life.

Now…where were we? Oh, yes. M. Weed is also a janitor. A low-end janitor, I should mention. Bob is ordering him around. For example:

"Weed! Gimme a soda!"

"Yes, Mr. Bowser, sir!"

"Weed! Gimme a box of crackers!"

"Yes, Mr. Bowser, sir!"

"Weed! Clip my toenails!"

"Yes, Mr. Bowser, sir!"

I think you can see where this is going. After a week of this, Temperamental Butthead, Sexy Swordsman, and Bob had raised precisely…(does math) 578 dollars, after taxes. Actually, not bad. 14 more weeks and they'll raise enough for a Ultimate Pocket Entertainment System, which is NOT affiliated with Plagiarizers, Ltd. Thank you very much.

But of course, we don't want to wait seven weeks, so let's look and see how Temperamental Butthead is doing in the mail room.

"BOOYEAH!"

"WICKED BEER, FALCO!"

"I JUST THREW UP OVER A STACK OF MAIL!"

"PEACE! PEACE! PEACE!"

Enough of that…The boss isn't going to be happy. Ugh. Beer-tinted barf all over his executive business deals. What say we skip to Psycho Bulimic, Katana Dinosaur, and Flaming Moron?

-----

"Where is M. Weed hiding?"

"I don't know."

"Then, now what?"

"How about we track Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu down and kick his-"

Whoops. Censored. Moving on.

"-s! You with me, guys?"

"I'm hungry!" Psycho Bulimic said.

Katana Dinosaur and Flaming Moron stared. "All right, you can get some sustenance, but make it fast."

"Yay!" Psycho Bulimic returned with a huge pile of broccoli pie and donuts. I wasn't lying when I told you he has bulimia.

After a long and rather disgusting bout with an eating disorder, Psycho Bulimic, Katana Dinosaur, and Flaming Moron were good to go.

(Cue Taco Bell ad here)

"HI! BUY OUR STUFF BECAUSE IT'S FUN, TASTY, AND RIDICULOUSLY HIGH IN CHOLESTEROL! AND REMEMBER, IT'S ALL GOOD TO GO! THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN!"

(End ad)

Umm…What the hell was that? Well, anyway, our three heroes were all good to go when…

"I GOTTA GO!" Psycho Bulimic screamed and ran to the bathroom.

Katana Dinosaur sighed. "Perhaps we should call Fox the Flaming Moron instead."

About 20 minutes later, the bulimic returned.

"Don't go in there for, say, an hour."

Katana Dinosaur sighed. "I swear I'm surrounded by idiots."

Me too…Me too. But let's continue.

"Where could Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu be?"

"Probably lost in a warp in the time-space continuum." Flaming Moron murmured.

"I'm not going to ask…"

"How do we get into the time-space continuum?"

"BUILD A TIME MACHINE, GENIUS!"

"No, that won't work." Psycho Bulimic sighed. "It would take billions of dollars and years of research to do that."

"You got any other suggestions?"

"I GOT IT! WE'LL BUILD A TIME MACHINE!"

Sometimes, I'm so ashamed of Fox. Continuing…

"Fox, you are just plain stupid."

"At least I'm not a FLAMING MORON!"

"Hey! Who are you calling a Flaming Moron?"

"Um, you…"

"I KEEL YOU!"

While we wait for this little skirmish to end, we'll jump over to the second storyline. 'Kay?

-----

"Weed! Gimme a broccoli pie!"

"Yes, sir!"

Let me sum it up. Sexy Swordsman is working his butt off, Weed is serving Bob, and Temperamental Butthead is sorting mail/getting drunk. However, the story wouldn't be very interesting this way, so yeah. After another week, the three's total cash count is 1156 dollars. Wow. Who would've thought?

After a while, Weed starts getting smart.

"My true loyalty is to my Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu, not this stinker!"

Ohmygod. Such a clichéd line. Not only did that sound retarded, but it totally…yup.

So Weed poisons Bob's pie with cyanide, then runs away. Yay.

Of course, though, Bob's already eaten talking milk and old, poisoned 87 year milk, and god knows what else. So of course, a little cyanide won't hurt him a bit. Maybe give him some gas, but not any permanent effects.

PHHHHTTTT!

I should probably mention two things right here.

1.) Sexy Swordsman was fixing a busted pipe with a blowtorch.

2.) Farts ARE flammable.

To put it simply, the whole room kinda…blew up. Yup yup. And Bob and Sexy Swordsman both got pay cuts…again.

Now, let's see what's happening in the mail room.

"OH MY GOD! I CAN MAKE PHOTOCOPIES OF MY BUTT!"

Erm…I really don't want to know.

Well, let's just say that the threesome eventually made enough money to buy their dream toy, because I'm getting really tired of telling you what Falco's doing in the mail room. Back to our first storyline.

"LET'S GO KICK SOME BUTT!" Psycho Bulimic and Katana Dinosaur cheered.

"SWORDS ARE SHINY!"

Yeep…Let's get this over with. They built the time machine in 3 minutes, due to unexplained reasons.

"Wow! The time space continuum is shiny!"

"You are an idiot."

"I see a pie…"

"Wait! That pie is Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu's ship! Let's blow it up!"

Psycho Bulimic took out his donut bazooka and blew the whole thing up. The end.

Lying. Here's what actually happened.

"Fox! You still got any of these nuclear warheads?"

"Nope. Bowser stole them all in Fox, Roy, Yoshi 4."

"What the hell is that? That sounds like a crappy story about our jacked-up lives!"

"Exactly. But I still have some remote mines." Fox said. He unloaded some and threw them at the ship, then blew them up. The end.

Heh. You didn't think a few mines would stop the great and mighty Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu, did you?

Actually, it didn't blow the whole thing up, but it did shut down their ship's functions for an undetermined period of time. Yay!

Now…How do Fox, Roy, and Yoshi get back to their present day?

"Oh, CRAP…"

"Fox! Please, please tell me the time machine is around here somewhere!"

"Umm…Well…Er…"

"YOU FREAKING IDIOT!" Katana Dinosaur and Flaming Moron proceeded to beat the shizz out of poor Psycho Bulimic.

Well…My time's up. I'm off to collect my paycheck. Until next time, people.

**THE END**

Author's Note: Evil broccoli pie…He left us a cliffhanger. GAHH! Well, I can't type anymore because I think I have CTS, and besides I'm out of ideas. But hey, don't think I'll leave those three stranded in space forever.

_Coming soon in April or May: **Fox, Roy, Yoshi 7: Freaking Idiots in Time!**_

_- :3, Kal Ancalas_


End file.
